Handling the Truth About This Dodger Fan

Reading about Jamie McCourt facing off today against superstar attorney Stephen Susman made me wonder. It made me wonder how I might handle the pressure of being alone on the witness stand, being grilled by Susman.

With inspiration credited to A Few Good Men, here's how I think it might go...


Dodger fan (me): You want to investigate me, roll the dice and take your chances. I eat my Dodger Dogs 300 yards from 25 Dodgers who are trained to crush my morale, so don't think for one second that you can come down here, flash your badge, and make me nervous!

Susman: Did you order the ROAD RED (Angels jersey and wear it to a game at Dodger Stadium)?

Judge Gordon: You don't have to answer that question!

Dodger fan: I'll answer the question!


[to Susman]

Dodger fan: You want answers?


Susman: I think I'm entitled to them.


Dodger fan: You want answers?!


Susman: I WANT THE TRUTH!


Dodger fan: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!

Son, we live in a town that has two McCourts. And their team has to be supported by fans with deep pockets. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Larry King?!

I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Joe Torre and you curse Don Mattingly. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Manny's defection, while tragic, probably saved the team money. And my Dodger season ticket plan, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, helped save the team from bankruptcy.

You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me in those stands! You need me in the stands!

We purchase items like $15 parking, $12 beers, and $28 Los Doyers t-shirts. We purchase these items as the backbone to a life spent supporting something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps to the poetry of Vin Scully, announcer for the very Dodger team I help support, then questions the manner in which I support it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way.

Otherwise, I suggest you buy a ticket and sit through a Dodger game yourself. Either way, I don't give a (darn) what you think you're entitled to!

Susman: Did you order the ROAD RED (Angels jersey)?!

Dodger fan: I did the job you sent me to do!

[Susman approaches the stand.]

Susman: DID YOU ORDER THE ROAD RED (Angels jersey)?!?!

Dodger fan: YOU'RE (GOSHDARN) RIGHT I DID!!!